You Don’t Have to Choose

2019 was an amazing year for me. It was definitely difficult at times, but I feel like I had a lot of personal growth. I did make a lot of progress on my goals. I lost 35 lbs! I took care of myself to the best of my abilities and invested in my self care. I even accomplished something I didn't think I would. I started writing my book again. So many things - positive things - happened this past year.

So many other things happened as well. I didn't know it, but the whole year I felt alone. I left unloved. I felt the struggle to connect with myself and with the world around me. I felt like I was in a hole.

Then, I broke through. It was like someone had turned on the light. It brought back feeling. It brought back desire. It brought me back. This year, 2020, I’m determined to focus on the good. I’m excited to see where life takes me now that I can feel. I've done some reorganizing. I’ve cut out all the things that don’t matter to me. I’ve simplified. I’ve refined. I’ve cut away all the extra - all the shit that the world makes you think you need. I’m excited to only include, to invest in the things that I love. This is one of those things that I am going to make time for.

I’m on the mailing list for Marc and Angel Chernoff and was sent their first opening newsletter in January. Marc and Angel host a blog that “give you the tools to identify and transform the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck”. In short words, they coach people on how to find/be happy. The article was titled 7 Things To Start Doing for Yourself in 2020. It went over 7 tips to start implementing in the new year like embracing your humanness, making your happiness your priority, and taking deep breaths every day. All the tips were wonderful and I really enjoyed the article. Their website is phenomenal in providing practical tips to help you with your inner struggle. The article brought up some interesting points. Sometimes, I think people mistake the idea of happiness. Happiness is not a thing that can be “found” (Note: this is not what their blog promotes. I am just commenting on the human state as a whole currently). In the aftermath of the article with the ideas running through my brain in the background, I was recently watching one of my favorite movies and a line struck me. In the movie Hector and the Search for Happiness, Hector, a British therapist, is on a search for what makes people happy so that he can tell his clients how to better their lives. After traveling to a remote monastery in China, Hector asks a monk about happiness; "I mean, searching for happiness is one thing, but making it the goal, it just doesn't work, does it?” The monk responds with something that I felt deep in my chest, “More important than what we are searching for is what we are avoiding.”

Happiness does not equal avoiding life. Avoidance does not make you happy or help you on the road to finding peace. For so long, I’ve been avoiding things. I’ve been burring things down as far as I can push them because I don’t want to believe them. I don’t want to feel something that I don’t understand and am not able to reason through. For me, my fear is the unknown. That’s been my M-O. That’s what I’m afraid of. That’s how I’ve dealt with things I don’t understand, can’t comprehend, or don’t want to process. The monk’s comment made me realize my pattern. Avoiding things does not make me happy either. I have to process them and deal with it one day at a time.

I liked this article by Marc and Angel for many reasons. It addressed the thing that I discovered last year through my pain. In their tip about embracing your humanness, they make the point saying you are more than just a “good person.” You can't be a "good person" all the time. You are human. You have faults. You can't hold your self to the standard of a "good person" all the time. That's not possible. That idea lit me up inside. I don't have to be a good person, because I am so much more than that. I am not a flat concept. I am a human being. I make mistakes. I'm angry sometimes. I am a ray of sunshine and a rain cloud. I don’t have to choose between the light and the dark side of myself. I am both. I am all facets. That was something that I didn’t have to push down and away from myself anymore. I didn’t have to suppress one side of me because I didn’t understand how I could feel both at the same time. I was avoiding being human, feeling both sides of feelings.

I use to think that I had to pretend to be “happy" all the time. I thought that I had to force myself to be the picture of “the good girl”. Again, another flat concept. I don’t have to live up to any picture. I am who I say I am. I am sexy and I am strong at the same time. I am sarcastic. I care and I don’t care. God, oh how I fucking don’t care most days. I like girly things, but I LOVE grunge and the dark side too. I love tea and my tea cups, but I also love camping and archery shooting. I don’t have to pick. I am human, not an idea. I am not a stagnant being. I cannot be categorized. I will not be singled out and told what I can and cannot be because it doesn’t fit in the preconceived concepts that give the world control. My awakening this year brought forth the idea that I wasn’t being true to my whole self. I was only picking the parts that were acceptable.

Marc and Angel also make the point that your personal happiness is your priority and your priority alone. No one is going to help me be happy. No one can make me happy - at least a lasting happiness. I definitely came to terms with this idea this past year. It was a hard lesson to learn. I learned it at work with different situations. I learned it with my husband through one of the biggest fights of our relationship. It isn’t his job. He couldn’t do it even if he tried. My happiness is only something that I can pursue. And even though I was always taught to put others before my own needs, I know now I have to choose myself sometimes. I know now that’s okay. When I choose myself, I'm not being a bad person.

2019 I learned so much from you. Life is too short. Life is too damn short. Invest in yourself. Invest in the things that you love. Be yourself, your whole self. Don’t let anyone stop you. Devote your time where you want to. It’s your life. Start living it how you want. Be mindful. Don’t fill all the empty moments. Embrace them. Create. Restore your mind and your heart. Live simply. Think about what you’re doing. Don’t just live on autopilot. Take in every moment and remember it. Catalog it away. Cherish your own life. Don’t spend time with the people who don't value you. Don’t waste your time hating yourself, but restoring who you are. Forgive. You might never understand why something happened or the reason for how you reacted, but just let it go. See yourself for who you are. See how much you’ve made it through. Admire it. Love it for what it is and begin to heal. Begin to move forward. There are far better things ahead than what we leave behind. Honor your past. Pay attention to the present. Expect good things in the future. Love your life. Love yourself. This is the true happiness.