Be Brave

For the past two years, I asked my husband for a tattoo for my birthday. After I did it the first year, I thought that I should make it a tradition. I require nothing else. I just want to fill my body with the images and words that inspire me. This year, I didn’t think was going to be any different. However, COVID prevented me from doing anything on my birthday, much less get a tattoo. But when the shops started to open up by appointment, I contacted my tattoo artist and set up a day and time. I originally wanted to get a new piece that I had inspiration for that centered around my experience with anxiety and depression. As I tried to flesh it out, I knew it was going to be something special. The idea was going to have to be drawn out and I couldn’t finding any artists doing any commission during the pandemic. So I looked at the list of my tattoos that I want to get and picked a simple one that I have had in my brain for a long time. 

As I was sitting there talking to my tattoo artist, I wasn’t thinking about much but the slight uncomfortableness of the tattooing itself. If you haven’t gotten a tattoo done, it kind of feels like someone scratching a sunburn with a needle. It’s not as bad as people made it out to be, though it isn’t horrible. Unfortunately, with a script tattoo, there isn’t much relieve from the pulling of the needle down, up, and sideways in your skin to create the perfect lines. I much prefer shading rather than the drag of a hard time. Personal preferences aside, when I was done, I was ecstatic about my tattoo and drove home in my usual fashion - with my sun roof open, blasting music and singing as loudly as I could down the 15 freeway. 

I’ve been doing a lot of researching on anxiety and depression to hep decrease my symptoms and control my panic attacks. Today, the thought hit me as I was doing the dishes. It’s one of those mindless activities that lets my brain wander. I get my best ideas cleaning in the kitchen or taking a shower. The thought was clear. Getting a tattoo me for is just like a small version of the seasons that I go through in my life. Here is what I mean. Before I am ready to get a tattoo, I am happy. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. I am content with my life. All is well. Then, when I get an idea for one, I sit on it for a year or two. Revisit it every so often. It’s in the back of my mind, just waiting for me to decide when. As soon as I decide to get my tattoo and schedule the appointment, I am antsy. It starts as a small little feeling that is more annoying then anything. As the date moves closer, it grows and grows. Then the morning of, I am in a full blown panic attack as I am driving to the tattoo shop. Even though I know that they don’t hurt that much and I am going to be so excited with the result, I still have one. Then as soon as the tattooing starts, the panic attack stops and the pain starts. I sit there for however long the tattoo takes, he bandages me up, and I am back on the road singing in my car, happy as a clam. 

On a larger scale, I do the same thing in my life. When there is a personal issue in my life or a problem that needs to be solved, I keep it in the back of my mind for a while. I see how it influences me. I observe and determine if it is even a thing or just a passing thought that I had. Then as I realize that it is a problem that needs to be addressed, I put off doing anything about it and the pressure builds. I go through a bit of a denial period thinking that the impact on my mental health isn’t going to be an issue. But then it shows its ugly head in everything. It comes out in my writing. It comes up in conversations even when I try to avoid it. I do everything that I can to distract myself (usually Instagram and Netflix) from dealing with the problem and so it grows bigger and bigger inside me. 

Then when the pressure is too much, I explode. I can’t take it anymore and I crash and burn. Then the pain starts as I deal with the problem and changing myself. As I learn about myself the needle is dragged across my chest to reveal what the true issue is and why I struggle. I wait patiently as my insides write the things that they have been trying to tell me all along if I had listened. I endure the pain because I know that it needs to come out. It needs to be heard. After all is said and done, I wrap myself up and the healing process can begin. I might be sore for the next couple of weeks, but soon it becomes apart of me. 

It can become apart of you too. Sometimes, we avoid changing ourselves and dealing with the issues in our lives because they hurt. They will always hurt. But they need to happen. It is important for the healing process to go through the pain. As I did the dishes with this new found realization, I looked down at my tattoo still wrapped in Saniderm (best invention ever!) the quotes washed over me. The last couple of weeks, I have been very hard on myself for allowing my anxiety to get the best of me. I read the quotes on each line and the words, now permanently on my arm, were weighted with truth as if I had timed that tattoo perfectly for that moment.

This particular tattoo is just a string of quotes from books, movies, and song lyrics. You might even recognize some:

Be brave. 

You are not alone. 

Don’t waste your time. 

Your ways are higher. 

All this time, I needed you. 

I will be with you always. 

Only what you take with you.

Leave what’s heavy behind. 

Every day there is a choice. Through the joy, through the pain, I will rejoice. 

You are not lost. 

Today, take which ever one you need. Whichever stage you are in in the process to internalizing an issue that you are going through, there is grace for the moment. 

Tris would tell you, “Be brave.” 

The Classic Crime song lyrics remind me that “I am not alone” and that I’ve got this so “Don’t waste your time” with things that don’t matter. Don’t waste your time distracting yourself in hopes of feeling better. It will just make it worse. 

I can hear my high school youth leader at church, singing the lines in worship to one of my favorite songs, “Your ways are higher.” I see where I wrote them in Sharpie above my door in college to remind me. 

Relient K is a throw back, but the meaning of his words still are true today that when I am lost and alone, “All this time, I needed you.” He is all I will ever need. 

I can see the scene The Price of Egypt when Moses find the burning bush and God gives him a mission to set his people free. He is scared and amazing at the same time and God whispers, “I will be with you always.” 

Then, of course, I can’t forget Yoda. One of the best teachers of all time who taught me that what is inside is “Only what you take with you.” You choose what is there. You can fill yourself with you dreams or your fears. 

Birdtalker sings a song Heavy about the hidden hate that you've been holding is weighing you down and you need to “Leave what’s heavy behind.” 

It’s not the easiest task, but like the lyrics in The Rocket Summer’s song Light, “Every day, there is a choice. Through the joy, and through the pain, I will rejoice.” No matter what season I’m in, it is a choice in how I react and how I respond to life. 

And lastly, I am not lost. Never am I lost. 

No matter how alone you feel. No matter how hard it is in this moment. You are not lost.