Dear Mr. Hole - Summer

Dear Mr. Hole, 

I’ve talked about you. I’ve mentioned you to a few people. I've mused over how to get rid of you. I’ve experimented to find what you like and what you don’t like. I’ve carved wooden cogs to see if I could find your exact shape to plug you up; and yet, I never seem to find the right circumference. Always too big or too small. I feel like I’m playing “Wack a Mole,” except I’m a vampire trying to drive a wooden stake in my own chest to make the pain stop. I even mentioned you in on this blog, but I’ve never addressed you directly.  

So here goes. *Clears throat* I hereby name you - Mr. Hole. 

That’s what my family and I do. We name things. My car has a name. One specific plant of mine has a name. My computer has a name. Some of my husband’s moles have names. He thinks the act of naming is silly. To me, when you give something a name, it begs to be given a story, a character. I haven’t been ready to face this story for a while. However, it is being written whether I like it or not. So I will acknowledge you so that I can have a part in writing the story. I would rather be a part of writing it then letting you write it for me. These are the hard feelings that I need to face.

Mr. Hole, I’ve found that you weren’t very impressed by this summer. In fact, you dragged me down to the depths again. You weren’t very amused by not being able to go to the movie theater, swim at the pool, vacation or camp, enjoy a nice dinner out at a restaurant, a day at Disneyland ... nothing. We couldn't even enjoy something as little as going outside. Every time I stepped out of my house, I faced the battle to the death with my notorious enemy, the Mosquito. They won most of the time and I found myself retreating back inside. Mr. Hole, you found all of this so amusing - the fact there wasn’t much to enjoy - that you decided I wasn’t going to enjoy anything at all. You slowly flipped that humanity switch so that my vampire state was complete. The switch took away all emotions. They receded to a place where I couldn’t feel them and in turn, couldn’t be hurt by them. Maybe you were afraid that the emotions were going to overtake me. Was it protection or was it out of spite, Mr. Hole? I can only hope for the former. 

As I am recalling all the things Mr. Hole that we’ve been through this summer, the song “Hard Feelings” by Lorde plays in my head phones and brings realization. The words match how I feel about you: 

I light all the candles

Cut flowers for all my rooms

I care for myself the way I used to care about you

These days, we kiss and we keep busy

The waves come after midnight

I call from underwater

Why even try to get right?

When you’ve outgrown a lover

The whole world knows but you

It’s time to let go of this endless summer afternoon

Hard feelings—

These are what they call hard feelings of love

When the sweet words and fevers all leave us right here in the cold

Alone with the hard feelings of love

God I wish I believed ya when you told me this was my home

I’ve been running away from the hard feelings in my life. It’s time that I acknowledge them and let you go Mr. Hole. You’ve outgrown yourself and I’m ready to let you go back down. Even though the feelings are hard, I do need them back now. If you could release them from your depths I would really appreciate it. This summer has been very stagnant. The hot weather and the mosquitos have driven me inside and I’m mad with cabin fever. However, the season is changing and I can feel a slight chill in the morning air again. Fall is on it’s way and it is here to rescue me from Summer. It’s here to rescue us. 

Now, I’ve let you run the show this summer. I’ve let you get larger than I thought possible Mr. Hole. Now it’s time for you to shape back up and go down to a manageable size. I hate to say it, but it’s time to go on a diet. I’ve let you do what you wanted. I’ve not restrained the time in front of the iPad. I’ve not restrained the time spent in bed or on the couch because there was no energy for anything else. To try to satisfy you, I’ve let the house go in disarray for days before cleaning. None of these things worked. So I’ve readjusted my thoughts back to my original philosophy. You can’t be gone. You will never go away. I will live with you always. I acknowledge that and I make space for you to be, but you do not have permission to overrun me. No more. I’ve outgrown you and your size is no longer needed. I know that part of you is intertwined in cyclical thoughts. You respond to the tapes that I play over and over in my head of worthlessness. "Depression is characterized by rumination—looping over and over through what’s negative about one’s self, one’s life, and one’s past or future.” I don’t want to be stuck in this loop with you. I don’t want to constantly come back to the same spot, thinking the same things, in prison to the thoughts in my own mind. 

Fall is here. With it, it brings the hope of a little more freedom. More things are opening back up to us and I am beginning feel my chest breath in and out again at a normal pace. The energy is starting to rise within me and I can feel hope returning to my chest. I am trying to let go of all the things that happened this past year and open my eyes to a future that has promise and thoughts that bring strength to my soul. I am going to listen to the words written across my arm to remind me; “Only what you take with you.” I don’t need to take the persistent cycle with me to this next season. I don’t need to take the thoughts that destroy me from the inside out. I am worth so much more than that. 

Mr. Hole, please get yourself under control. Here is where things turn around for us.