The Meaning of Self Care
At the start of this year, I came to therapy with a short list of goals that I had made for myself for 2020. For me, this was a drastic change. I am a very goal driven person and don’t feel worth my weight unless I am accomplishing something, but I wanted to try something different this year. I wanted to keep it minimal as to not overwhelm myself as I normally do. I didn’t put a lot of lofty goals, but wrote simple things like keeping my house clean, getting outside every day for fresh air, working out each week, getting on a normal sleep schedule (the bane of my existence), and journaling more.
I really didn’t have much on the list that I thought was to “report home about.” I didn’t really feel that I could be proud of these things. But as I said, I didn’t want to work on a lot this year, I just wanted to understand my anxiety and the pattern that I keep putting myself through.
As Kim, my therapist, was reading the list of items that I jotted down, a smile appeared on her face. I nervously laughed a little in and asked why she was smiling, thinking that she was going to say what I wrote down weren’t actual “goals." She chuckled as well, whole heartedly, almost in relief and said, “These are great goals that you have set for yourself. You don’t realize it, but you have chosen goals that are all focused around self care that are going to help you manage your anxiety.” “Cleaning my house?” I laughed, “This is going to help my anxiety?” She went on to explained to me that self care was one of they keys to managing anxiety and something that everyone needed to focus on. It that moment, I was thinking, it really can’t be that easy. Everyone wouldn’t have anxiety if it was that easy!
So I started out this year with not that many goals on my plate. When COVID hit, something in my brain probed me. I thought that since I was going to be working at home for the next couple of months that I should take advantage of the time. I asked myself a question, “Who do I want to be coming out of this quarantine? What do I want to work on and improve while I have the opportunity?” So I started to pile on the goals. I thought that because I had a little extra time at home that I could forget about the anxiety and start progressing in my passions. There was nothing to feel anxious about being at home so let’s switch gears.
Kim warned me at the start of COVID that my anxiety might be heightened in this limited lifestyle we are all now growing accustomed to. Because my world was infinitesimally smaller over night, the capacity for things to influence my wellbeing were subsequently more impactful. I laughed off the warning asking, what could possibly hurt me while I’m at home?! I had made tremendous progress on managing my anxiety since the start of the year. I ladened myself with new goals when I should have been lessening the ones that I already had. I pressured myself forward through the heightened state of duress. Unfortunately, my lack of attention to the warning forced me to my knees to rethink my priorities. It caused me to mentally crash into depression. None of my personal goals were being met and every little issue sent my emotions soaring high. I was feeling even worse knowing that the new goals I set for myself were never going to be accomplished. A voice in my head was laughing at me. It was taunting me. It was reminding me what happened when I was first depressed and lost passion for everything that I loved. See, it said, you can’t even accomplish anything when you are at home.
When I met with Kim again, she lovingly let me know all this was normal. I was panicked thinking that I was going to sink deep down, back into my dark hole. She said that it was okay to feel the way I felt. In fact, everyone was feeling the same way. I wasn’t the only one with rising emotions and anxiety that was starting to crawl back in. After explaining my fear of falling back into depression, of which I did early on, she suggested that I back it up. Restart like I did at the beginning of the year. No goals for now. Self care was the only goal.
I didn’t want to believe her at first. I wanted to soldier through. I wanted to "get somewhere" with the things that I wanted to accomplish. I kept trying and trying to push forward, all the while, the pressure slowly building in my chest. I ignored it. Not wanting to acknowledge it and make it real. As I hit another low, I realized that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I started to take things out of my life again. I started to accept that my goals and aspirations were hurting me, not helping me. As I started to focus on myself again, the anxiety lessened to a more manageable state. When my head fog started to clear, I knew that something in my mentality towards goals and self care had to change. I could no longer find my worth in the amount of items that I crossed off on my To Do list. I had to find worth in who I was as a person.
Through trial, error, openness to new ideas, and therapy, there are a few foundational activities that I now routinely need to do to keep my anxiety and depression at bay and none of them have to do with accomplishments in life. Each element has to do with taking care of yourself. Each has to do with real self care. I say that because self care isn’t just spa days and shopping sprees. Those things can be included, but they are not the foundations of self care that are actually going to restore your mind and body. The things that I have found actually work are exercise, eating healthy, a normal sleeping schedule, getting outside daily, and integrating the hobbies that I love into my daily living. It’s been hard to change my thinking but now I see my eating habits, my workouts, my sleep schedule, journaling outside, and my weekly appointment with my bath tub and a good book as the items that support me and restore me. These are the items that make me feel better about myself and in turn, fill me with pride as my every day emotions stay steady. And when I’m steady as a person, I find pride in who I am and not the goals that I accomplish.
These might not seem like items that you want to make time for, but these are what's going to help you most in the end if you choose to invest in yourself. You are worth the time you put into helping yourself. Even if I have to tell myself everyday in my daily affirmations, “I am not a waste of time,” I will keep saying it until I believe it. You should too. Because until you believe it, you will never value yourself enough to put yourself first. You mothers out there with children who out number you, your health needs to come first sometimes so that you can continue to be Wonder Woman to your children. This includes the married couples with your husband as your child (me included - love you babe!). You have to take time to take care of yourself instead of your husband. Listen to me. You aren’t being selfish. You are being kind to yourself so that you can show up in your life and show up for the people that need you. You’ve heard it a million times. Fill up your own cup so that you can fill others. You single women, you too, I’m talking to you as well. You have to take care of yourself. You want to feel whole? You want to love your life and who you are? You have to love yourself first. It is just as important to take care of yourself as others.
